I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
