Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
