My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
