At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
