We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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