I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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