I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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