I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
