just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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