I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
