Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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