I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
