I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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