I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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