Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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