Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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