my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
