So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My pussy is not your playground.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
