that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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