I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
