i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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