My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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