If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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