Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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