Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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