apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
