Don't you send me to vm
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
