great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
