Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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