god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
