This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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