If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
