so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
