I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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