I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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