Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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