just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
