i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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