I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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