woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
