it glows. i had to have it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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