If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
