you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
