this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The Olympian is in my bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
