You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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