Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
