Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
