Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
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