I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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