I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it was like eating out sand paper
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
